April 8, 2010

Dear Diary, I've been very confused with the world. Big shock, right? Everything is going down hill now, from the small things to the down right painful. I'd have to say the worst is barely being able to stand the mirror. It hurts to look back at a reflection that reveals shadows under my eyes and bushy eyebrows that must be plucked every week. A metal mouth for teeth and pimples that appear from no where.
I know what I am and what I'm not, and I refuse to believe makeup is the answer. Everyone tells me, "Oh, your so pretty!" but I usually only get comments like that when I have a slab of different coverup and mascara plastered on my face. I hate the thought of being looked upon like some stupid dressup doll. I know I'm pretty enough with makeup, and wearing it would probably earn me a couple of glances, but I can't stand the thought of changing who I am just to be this fake pretty everyone likes.
At the same time, I want to be called pretty. I want to wear makeup down the hall and watch as the guys take a double take at my face. I want to be seen as something other than plain or brace face, but to acheive these goals can change me completely. I don't want to change.
I'm scared and confused, and sometimes I think I'll never be accepted anywhere. I can't seem to grasp beauty, and trying to get it right myself is downright impossible. So why do I want to be so pretty?